Friday, January 21, 2011

Mother of a Preemie

How are you doing?

This is a question I've gotten a lot lately. More often then not I smile and say I'm fine because who really wants to hear it all? I hate crying in front of people so instead I just laugh about not getting as much sleep and what not. I save the tears for my husband and occasionally my mom.

The truth- i feel like I'm on some crazy roller coaster that I never agreed to get on in the first place. Some days are so perfect and others are a mess. I've come along way since the beginning and know one day it will all just be a memory that me and Jacob will say remember when.

Remember when we couldn't even hold our daughter
Remember when she needed help to breath
Remember commuting back and forth from the hospital
Remember the joy of getting to hold her
Remember celebrating each wire coming off her
Remember feeling robbed and helpless
Remember the amazing nurses helping us care for her
Remember having to hold her still while we place her feeding tube
Remember her throwing up all the time because of her iron supplements and tube
Remember cuddling in bed together as a family

I've never felt so many emotions then in the past 3 months. I'm sorry to those people who came to visit at the beginning if I zoned out, i would start a conversation with someone only to find myself not listening and wondering how Matea was doing. I was in my own little world. Some days I'd find myself asking why all this had happened. What had I done wrong during my pregnancy. Did I not eat healthy, should I have exercised more, should I have said my prayers more regularly? Other days I would be so grateful and feel so blessed, she was alive and getting better each day. Compared to some preemies she is doing amazing.

I love Matea so much. I had no idea the love a mother has for her children was this strong. It makes me regret ever yelling at my own mother when I was young. My mom is an amazing woman who helped me so much during all of this. She drove me to the hospital, cooked me dinner, even attempted to vacuum our apartment (sorry the vacuum exploded on you mom).

Even though I sometimes feel robbed of the whole delivery thing I'm grateful for modern medicine and being able to have her here. Sorry if this doesn't make sense and is all over the place, that's my life lately. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I am doing good.

10 comments:

John and Juli said...

You are awesome! It's hard to adjust to having a baby when things go well. With that being said, the man upstairs must think you are a step above the rest to handle all this craziness especially on your first baby! I'm glad you are so positive, and look how far you guys have come so far. She's already had her first park day! You will look at every mother differently from now on...because you know:)

Theresa said...

I'm so sorry you had to go through all this-I can't even imagine how hard it is. I completely understand the "robbed" of the whole delivery thing and struggled with it for awhile too. So if you ever need an extra person to cry to, I'm all ears!
PS We got her birth announcement today and she is a doll! We can't wait to see you guys!

Theresa said...

I'm so sorry you had to go through all this-I can't even imagine how hard it is. I completely understand the "robbed" of the whole delivery thing and struggled with it for awhile too. So if you ever need an extra person to cry to, I'm all ears!
PS We got her birth announcement today and she is a doll! We can't wait to see you guys!

Tyrelle said...

I completely understand! It is so hard, and I am still slightly 'overly obsessive' about my babies. And people roll their eyes and say "let go" or "relax" or whatever else. And I think "you have no idea what it took to get them here..." It gets easier, it really does. But I still think about the NICU days and just cry--both so grateful, and so sad. It's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't gone through it. (Which is why I have such a soft spot in my heart for premies and their families.) But I think it is slightly a blessing for me. I'm a much more patient and 'in tune'with my kids mom becuase my babys' births were a little out of the ordinary. And with it as a constant reminder of what miracles they are, I find myself a better parent.
This was written so beautifully. Thanks. Sometimes I can't put it into words--or I go on and on, like right now, and this just says it all.
Good luck with the roller coaster. If you find a way off, let me know. :o)

Karen said...

Morgan you are an amazing woman...a wonderful daughter and a super MOM!!
Your blog made me cry...
to see you go through this and come out stronger and wiser.
You are right, there is nothing stronger than a mother's love for her children (except for maybe the love you have for your husband!)
Matea needs YOU and you need her.
Together, the three of you are a FAMILY--- and what an amazing family you have become!!

Sarah Larsen said...

MORGAN!! This is why I live in San Francisco, to be here for you!!! But I can only imagine how hard this must be. I'm here for you for WHATEVER you need. Please call if you need anything at all. xoxo

Jessica said...

most mothers go through the roller coasters (even when you are supposed to be a pro on #3) but yours is probably a roller coaster on steroids. crazy hormones+no sleep+concern/worry/stress over the little on=crazy emotions and an impaired ability to cope. We love you guys. We know you can do it. Keep hanging in there! Rest when you can. Matea is so lucky to have you as a mom.

Lindsay said...

i'm so proud of you. i know this must have made the whole "first baby" experience THAT much harder but i'm glad she's home and everything is doing better. don't worry.. it WILL get easier. i swear! k... miss your face! we need to have a girl's thing, even if it's just at your house looking at your precious baby girl! :)

kavs said...

proud of you,need to learn somuch from u

Whitney Johnson said...

Hey Morgan~

So well written. Know that I and God love you and your family. You are in my prayers daily. Wish I lived closer so I could help out. And think of it this way- you now have a much more interesting storey to tell her when she gets older. It's not the same ol "went into labor, 4 hrs later u were born" story. It's something she will want to hear over and over I'm sure. Brag about even possibly. She had a 'unqiue' birth. And I agree with John and Julie- God will never give you more than you can chew. It's all for a purpose.

Love beautiful!