This is a question I've gotten a lot lately. More often then not I smile and say I'm fine because who really wants to hear it all? I hate crying in front of people so instead I just laugh about not getting as much sleep and what not. I save the tears for my husband and occasionally my mom.
The truth- i feel like I'm on some crazy roller coaster that I never agreed to get on in the first place. Some days are so perfect and others are a mess. I've come along way since the beginning and know one day it will all just be a memory that me and Jacob will say remember when.
Remember when we couldn't even hold our daughter
Remember when she needed help to breath
Remember commuting back and forth from the hospital
Remember the joy of getting to hold her
Remember celebrating each wire coming off her
Remember feeling robbed and helpless
Remember the amazing nurses helping us care for her
Remember having to hold her still while we place her feeding tube
Remember her throwing up all the time because of her iron supplements and tube
Remember cuddling in bed together as a family
I've never felt so many emotions then in the past 3 months. I'm sorry to those people who came to visit at the beginning if I zoned out, i would start a conversation with someone only to find myself not listening and wondering how Matea was doing. I was in my own little world. Some days I'd find myself asking why all this had happened. What had I done wrong during my pregnancy. Did I not eat healthy, should I have exercised more, should I have said my prayers more regularly? Other days I would be so grateful and feel so blessed, she was alive and getting better each day. Compared to some preemies she is doing amazing.
I love Matea so much. I had no idea the love a mother has for her children was this strong. It makes me regret ever yelling at my own mother when I was young. My mom is an amazing woman who helped me so much during all of this. She drove me to the hospital, cooked me dinner, even attempted to vacuum our apartment (sorry the vacuum exploded on you mom).
Even though I sometimes feel robbed of the whole delivery thing I'm grateful for modern medicine and being able to have her here. Sorry if this doesn't make sense and is all over the place, that's my life lately. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I am doing good.